how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
