I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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