why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
