I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
