I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
