I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
