Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
