I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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