no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
