Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
