i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
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I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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