if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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