I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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