Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
