Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
