There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
