I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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