We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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