I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I love you. Go after that dick
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
