Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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