drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
