Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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