This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
