my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
