You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
