I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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