The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
