I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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