I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You ruined the universe
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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