lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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