It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
