Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
