I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
