Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
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Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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