it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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