he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
