After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
