I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
