I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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