Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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