I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
