Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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