Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hippo gnu deer
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
