there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
