hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
