I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
