just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
