My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
