I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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