I'm so fucking centered right now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
