I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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