please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
