imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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