I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
