I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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