I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
