At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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