I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
