Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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