I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
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I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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