my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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