im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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